20021226   

Michael considered fate at 12:30   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

Now begineth the list of amazing and wonderful ways to die

1.

Death by Lactose Intolerance. Yes, that is right - your stomach curdling up in a ball and making it's way through your gastrointestinal tract, pulling behind it everything it passes like Linus dragging along his blankey. Diabolically explosive shit. Fireworks out the ass like it's New Year's 2000 all over again. Ride of the Valkyries playing in the background like it's a fireworks competition. White knuckles clenched to porcelain bowl. At least it's not hot and spicy like mexican food.

Oh crap, the cat's gone and nudge it's way into the bathroom. It's watching you now, quizically, as you shit yourself to death.

2.

Death by Caffeine Overdose. Yes, that is right - your entire body trembling at first, then shaking, and finally lurching about in fits of spasmodic horror. Extreme paranoia as your teeth chatter away, chipping molars and bicuspids with increasing frequency. Teeth slowly destroying each other - unable to stop the involuntary fidgets. The few teeth left chopping like so many chinese with their sledges on the railroad, ramming into your upper gums, chewing it up like minced meat. Flight of the Bumble Bee playing in the background while your lower jaw works it's way up your face. Hands grabbing at anything to hold still - pulling fixtures off the walls. At least your burning lots of calories.

Oh crap, the cat's batting at your bouncing toe like it's an injured mouse. It's watching you now, excited, as you die from caffeine overdose.