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Michael considered fate at 11:12   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

Went to trivia the other day to wait for my peeps - my team - 4-NIC-8 we go by so just in case we ever win the poor little irish kid who has to announce the winner over the intercom has to say just that - 4-NIC-8. Childish isn't it?

Yes. I know he is.

But anyhow, the peeps didn't show. The posse was, as they say, out. I sat at the bar and powered through a Boddington's and the latest copy of the Phoenix for the port city (but really for the Northeast cause McDonald's ain't serving local fair so why should my free rag, right?). I kept looking up and surveying the crowd and I got a nagging feeling that they were going to show but wouldn't find me up in the corner of the bar.

A Group of girls bumbled up to the brass right as I was starting up the cryptozoologist article. There was one seat open, next to me, so they all crowded around it and began the pub quiz.

Aw'ight the irish dude said over the speakers, Ready for the first round?

I tuned them out. It didn't take much at first because they were fairly quiet and pensive, scrunching their brows up and staring at the ceiling every time another question was flung at them. I continued to read about the Yeti - not too many yetis around, they say.

By the second round I was getting antsy.. It was getting dark out and if I was going to be stood up I might as well go out and take a spin on the bike and enjoy the decent weather for a change. More girls showed up, further crowding the single chair at the bar - and me. I was, by this point, right up against the wall and turned slightly outward like a cat cornered by a pack of dogs. Dogs I say.

I was seriously thinking of fleeing but the escape route was closing quickly. I decided to take a test run so I left my jacket and helmet with my beer and dove through the crowd for the pissoire. I got to the bathroom and I didn't really have to pee so much but I was sweating a bit at this point so I busied myself in the mirror with some cold water on the face. When I returned to the bar the girls had grown again in number, this time to include what looked like a mother and a grandmother. They parted a path for me half-heartedly. I cringed.

It was the last question of the second round now and they were all furrowing their brows as before so I perked my ears up as the irish fellow repeated his question:

Birds have hollow bones to help lighten the load in flight. What kind of bird has solid bones .. for ballast

After much thought one of the girls looked up at the others, Ostrich? she opined.

I figured they were being a little too nice with that last bit - for ballast. I figured - well duh - ballast.. must be a bird that swims.. like, oh.. a penguin? Everyone know what ballast is, right? This apparently did not occur to the girls. At this point I needed out. I couldn't take it any more and it seemed clear my people had left me on my own this night. I glanced back at my escape route but it had disappeared. The girls were all around me, pushing me, suffocating me. I almost screamed.

I quickly tried to formulate a plan. I could tunnel under them through their legs I figured. I could hop the bar and run down to the end and out the back before the bartender could catch me. But no... It just wouldn't work. I sighed. And then it occured to me. I could bribe them - charm them - fool them into a false sense of serenity.

"I think that last one is 'penguin'," I said to them, smiling brightly.

They looked blankly at me until the words I had spoken registered in one of the girl's brain. Oh, yah.. that sounds right she said. The rest of them followed her lead and began to nod their heads. She bent studiously over her trivia pad and scribed P e n g u i n with her little golf pencil. She looked up, happy. They all smiled. I made my move.

I grabbed my helmet and streamed out of my chair before they knew what was happening. I hooked one hand around the collar of my jacket, never slowing down, and even though it was on the back of my chair I managed to muscle it off in one quick motion. They reacted slowly, the outer units moving to close the gap much later than those on the front lines. I managed to flank grandma and then I employed a wiggle tactic to get past the ring leader, thereby avoiding a major confrontation. By the time she wiggled back I was free. I ran from the room, pushing at both the double doors and opening them wide to the evening air. Not until I was out on the sidewalk did I breath freely.

The speaker outside the bar crackled.

As I walked away I heard it ask What is the largest creature without a backbone?