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A Show Called Life

Michael considered fate at 13:08   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

Too much personal is too much boring, so says the pierce, and he certainly has me pegged because if I wrote about my daily here you'd all have gone and left me a long long time ago.

Everyday is not what the rockstars would have you believe. Everyday is not a winding road. Some days, sure: they wind, they curve, the race up and through mountain passes. Some days are like racing down the boulevard in your t-tops 'bird with gidget, a big mustache, and a goofy grin. Some days are like riding a lawmower across the country. Some days, though, are just plain white bread - a few lanes of traffic, a toll, an exit or two, 4 or 5 or maybe even 6 traffic lights. Some days, you see, are like faded signs.

So you're all lucky I don't write down here what occurs in my everyday. If I did, it would look like little snippets of conversation:

XXXXXXXXX: you're a bread man right?
BritCoal: uhh?
BritCoal: you mean breast man?
XXXXXXXXX: HA HA
XXXXXXXXX: you're like, so fuckin funny

xxxxxxx: yo
BritCoal: yo
xxxxxxx: sup
BritCoal: nada
BritCoal: you?
xxxxxxx: chillin
BritCoal: fun

And then, as if to make matters better, along comes Friendster - but it's a sham. It connects me up with all my friends. I have, oh, maybe 7 people on there. I'll do it because I'm bored at work and welcome anything that diverts my attention to the daunting task at hand, but I don't really get much out of it. The 7 people on there consist of 4 people I see almost on a daily basis. The good thing about friendster is that it allows me to keep in touch with people almost on a daily basis. Whoa. Quite the coup there. The other 3 people are old school pals that aren't in my area. I keep in touch with them via email every once in awhile but now that I have friendster I can log in, find that person, and send them a message within the friendster network so that when they check their email they'll get a note from friendster saying they have a note from me at friendster and then they can go to the friendster network and log in and get my message. It's a lot more efficient now.

Friendster is a sham because it's not honest about it's feelings with you. It should be called hookupster. If I had a site that ripped off it's idea from an old failure, sixdegrees, I'd just call it as I saw it:

You are connected to Carol through:

You (had sex with)
Jane(who cheated on)
Dick>(who made out with)
Mary(who became lesbian with)
Carol(who met you through hookupster and gave you a blowjob in the parking lot of that seedy bar)

The tagline would probably lure people in by promising them sex with their best friends girlfriend.

XxXxXx: ahrrrr
BritCoal: ?
XxXxXx: i'm a pirate
BritCoal: are you a pirate?
XxXxXx: yes
BritCoal: mmm
BritCoal: i see

We wouldn't let pirates on hookupster. Only girls-next-door and nice middle class white guys. Harmless people. Or, as Ford Prefect said, Mostly Harmless. That way people would feel free to sex and sleaze with all their friends without the chance of VDs or STDs or, *gasp*, a bad reputation. It would be perfect.

XXXXXXXXX: i told you about my last night in colorado when my brother's girlfriend went crazy, right?
BritCoal: no you didn't
XXXXXXXXX: she hit his car with hers on purpose and then tried to back up over my bags...

Everyone would want to be on hookupster so they could hear about the latest story from so-and-so and what they did to what's-his-face and how he retaliated by sleeping with whose-her-name. There would be message boards and forums and gossip would be encouraged.

XXXXXXXXX: she really pissed me off
BritCoal: why?
XXXXXXXXX: not so much her, more the idea of her at the time
BritCoal: uh huh...
BritCoal: tables turned, lessons learned, you get burned by playing by the rules...
XXXXXXXXX: i guess so

After awhile people would stop worrying about every day. They'd stop trying to polish their faded signs and they'd just start playing by the new rules. They'd feed the gossip, and even act it out like a sick soap opera that runs, live, 24 hours a day.

XXXXxxxx: so i found this place online you can buy viagra
XXXXxxxx: im tempted
XXXXxxxx: but then there was that guy you know who popped a woody and couldnt get rid of it

Only the actors would be even worse.

xxxxXXXX: my girlfriend and i play this game where, for example, i try to stick my finger up her butt while she's just about to fall asleep
BritCoal: uhhh...... okay?
xxxxXXXX: it's cute and funny...whetever
xxxxXXXX: so i was drunk the other night
xxxxXXXX: and she thought it would be funny to try to do it to me
BritCoal: this is starting good...
xxxxXXXX: but i was too drunk to care
xxxxXXXX: so i just let her do it
BritCoal: dude.. I'm laughing out loud .. I never laugh out loud..
xxxxXXXX: and i woke up the next morning
xxxxXXXX: with a poop stain on my underwear
BritCoal: i'm biting my lip here...
BritCoal: That's pretty funny shit, dude..
BritCoal: no pun intended
xxxxXXXX: yeah. when i saw my underwear i thought maybe it was a fart stain
xxxxXXXX: but then i remembered
xxxxXXXX: i also vaguely remeber her smelling her finger afterward.

And the name of the show would be called Life.