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Alex considered fate at 03:02   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment
That was very pleasing. That's tonight, eh? Holy shit. I feel so . . . close to you.

I am feeling pretty bad. Pretty fucking bad. Much better, actually, after reading your posts. But still not so good. Here is how my evening (spent mainly in the shower) goes:

Alex: It's just that I don't feel like my life has meaning.
Alex: Asshole, I assure you that it's not just a feeling - life has no meaning.
Alex: But I want to feel like it does. Isn't the absence of meaning why I feel so bad? If I thought I was needed, valued . . . wouldn't I feel better?
Alex: Perhaps - but mainly, you're just fucking lonely. Remember how you felt before you and sharon got together? No, of course not. But you did just read your journal entry from that time which informed you that you felt pretty horrible. And now? Sharon is gone, your other two friends here don't need you / are in santa barbara for a limited time only / are in bad places themselves. And your good friends are hundreds of miles away. And, like the rest of humanity, care very little for your kitesurfing ventures, the only thing that you perceive to be interesting enough to report to them.
Alex: Alas.
Alex: Tell me about it.

Actually, that was pretty close to it. I've been feeling like this for a while now. On friday, I felt like this and thought, "you should probably not intoxicate yourself, because drug use to the end of escaping bad experience is worst form of drug use." Journal entry (selection) from friday:

the present moment. the present moment feels much better now that you're high.

Self medication. Potentially very dangerous, meethinks, and yet, I am pretty sure that I did feel much better from the smoke. The confound is, of course, that it was done with my friends . . .

Alas. My clothes are clean because I washed them on Saturday. I went kitesurfing today, and really did as well as I've ever done, which makes my feeling bad feel even worse. I know this too shall pass. I know that. And I am trying not to dwell, because I know that effort spent when it comes unnaturally sometimes pays off the most. Hence I am learning some dance moves in the mirror.

This is therapeutic. Thank you.
Does the girl read this?
I want a girl. I want to watch T.V. I want not to go to work tommorow.

In what respects the 'hottest' campuses?


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Check out heroecs, the robotics team competition website of my old supervisor's daughter. Fun stuff!
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