and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

I am a bad person. Listen to that sentence. It is so interesting.

I really do want a break. I want a break from this reality. It's so irritating. I lost a hundred bones on online poker, and it's taking me all the self-control I have not to go back. Breathing. Deeply. I won a texas hold'em tourney last night. won forty. All in all, I'm down 65, as 5 of those forty were mine.

what anti says is true. salepeople are manipulators, but more than just salespeople manipulate. I manipulate, for instance.

I had a great night last night. I played the tournament, which was a ton of fun, and then got ripped with two friends, and one abstainer. I was already pretty drunk, as it was necessary for the tourmanent nerves, so it hit me pretty hard. I curled into a little ball a couple of times. When I feel like people are trying to take my laughter away from me, I curl up into a ball and protect my laughter. It may hurt, but it's mine and no one can take it away from me. But it got prettty messy at one point, and the two girls that I was with were a little nervous about me. I was listening to my headphones really loud, hiding behind a comfy armchair, singing to myself that everything was ok, and that I wouldn't let them take my laughter away. And that was good. But they were not privy to the joke, and thought that I might be in need of hospitalization. But it turned out ok. I told them that they were wonderful people. And then I went down to a party in IV. it was pretty happening, but not outrageously so. I ended up sitting with a 15 yo kid, my friend E, and some other guy. The other guy had a vaporizer. My first experience with that. Truthfully, I was already blazed, so I didn't notice if it worked or not. But then we went walking, and talked to some homeless people, and the homeless people were hilarious. And then the homeless people started hitting on girls, and I was heckling the girls that didn't listen to Screamin' Steven, the one with shin gaurds. And then the girls I was heckling left, and the guys that apparently were hitting on them came over and got all in our face. And I descalated the situation, to the joy of all. He was like, No, really, no, I just wanted to ask, how many girls did you get tonight? Do you ever get laid? And he was pretty big. And I said, what do you mean? And he went on, and I said, Are you saying that you're better than us because you get laid more? And he was still all up in our grill, and I asked

me: So does that make feel good, to get lots of girls?

him: Yeah I feel great, do you get lots of girls?

me: sometimes, but usually not. often I fail.

him: yeah well I don't fail. I never fail.

me: that must make you feel good.

him: I feel great. I feel great about everything. Do you feel great?

me: sometimes. What kind of things make you feel great?

him: everything I do. everything.

me: Cool, like what what are some of the things that you enjoy most?

him: I talk well, I have lots of friends

me: Nice! Yeah, we were just hanging out with friends too. Have you met Steven?

him: No, I'm Brenden

steven: hey

me: Hey Brenden, I'm alex, it's nice to meet you.

him: yeah cool.

and then introductions were made all around. then I told them the funny things the homeless people were aying earlier. Then he went back to his friend, that had been waiting there the whole time. and the friend is obviously very unimpressed, and reminds the friend (surely) that 'asshole, you were supposed to kick their ass. they scared our girls away.' but it was cool, they just left together. And then we went to the beach, and watched the ocean. and it was beautiful. and we went home, and I got my bike and went home. and then today I spent a hundred dollars learning not to play texas hold 'em online. But all in all, I feel like it jives with your no fear lesson. All of these events were facilitated by not having fear. Have you seen Donnie Darko, asshole? Jebus.

I'm the worst student ever. That is not about fear. Or perhaps it is, but mostly about laziness. About aversion to work. You can call that fear, but I think there are different mechanisms going on there. My typing is getting much better thses days. I can almost talk and type at about the same rate. You know what's funny; I would think that with all my piano practice, I would be a better typer than I am. but, alas. alas, and alack.

Alas, alack. Now I have not done my paper, again.

I hate this part of myself. I do fear failing at this. Yes I do.

Speaking of the dude, double feature next friday; Tron and Big Lebowksi. Jeff Bridges coming to screen them, and answer questions. Santa Barbara, huh? Did I tell you about My dinner with andre? the guys from that were at the screening too. Santa Barbara.

I don't want you to mention the 100 smackers to the dogz, ok? it's not a big deal, I just don't want it mocked.