and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

He asks, Is this about the fantasy, not totally crazy, that some chick wil read this blog and fall totally in love with you?

And I have to respond, quite truthfully, absolutely not.

The fantasy, if that is in fact what you'd like to call it, has never crossed my mind. I can't imagine, in fact, how that situation would even precipitate. I don't know how anyone could contact me in such a way that would both peak my interest and retain a level of aloof distance - not enough so for me to desire it, anyway.

Grass is always greener. It needs to be on the other side.

Do you believe it? Do you see it as the human condition? Not the inevitable going-to-happen but the here-now- in fact IS of life? Do you accept? Embrace it? Endure it?

It is. It is always always greener so when the grass is delivered to my doorstep - to my inbox in the form of an email from some secret soul (to quote weezer: I've got your letter, you've got my song.. so to speak, anyway) - then this is forbidden love, is it not? It's no longer on the other side, the grass. It is here, right in my lap.

I guess I don't believe in throwing oneself at someone. I don't believe in the "you have me heart and soul completely here I am do with me what you want".. at least not before I meet someone.

The act of the giving of one's heart and soul is a process of time. The selfless act, if made out of desperation, out of need, out of an attempt to fill a hollowness, well it's not truly selfless anymore, is it?

It's been said that If you've found someone special you should hold onto them as tightly as possible for if you let them slip away too easily you might never get them back. It's been said that if you ignore your heart, you will take a tremendous risk with your happiness. It's been said that if you love them, set them free.

Which is all easy enough to write when you think any of it makes sense. Easy enough to buy when you have a need to believe in something. As if words written on a page will strengthen your emotional house of cards. They won't.

Again, Weezer

everytime i pin down what i think i want it slips away

How solid, how true.

For anyone who is interested: She is gone. In a month she will be in Alaska - which is pretty damn far away from me in Maine. I love her dearly and I'm letting her go. Setting her free (as if it were my choice and I was making a selfless act, yah right). Setting her free in my mind, more like it. Trying to anyway. Let her be what she has to be, do what she has to do, go where she has to go. Believe that, spiritually speaking, she will return or I will go to her or we will find eachother someday, somewhere, in a place that we both want to be.

When travelling with a companion in this life sometimes your road diverges in the wood. Sometimes, though one path may be less travelled than the other, one of you will take it and the other will not be able to - whether due to fear or inability to handle the rough terrain. Perhaps - as if a canyon-road-overpass ala duke's of hazard - those two paths will re-converge right over the next hill.. or on the other side of that mountain.

One can hope, no?

Gosh, Hope is such a four letter word.