and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

Okay Kids, today is Blogging 101 day. This is the day when, if you pay attention and do your homework, you will learn almost everything there is to know about the power of blog. Don't get too excited, because it's actually pretty simple. Just be excited to learn something new and we'll take it from there.

The first thing you need to learn about blogging is this:

These are only words. These are only words. These are only words. Fuck the Niggers and Crackers and the Whops and Krauts and the Japs. And don't get offended because these are only words. The written word is powerful and you must remember not to let it control you, but to control it. When you allow your words to be muted by the limitations of the masses then you've already lost the battle before you even opened your mouth. Frame of mind - frame it with passion but don't frame it with fear. Open. Honest. Build integrity through your truths. We'll forgive you your transgressions of moral and ethical character if you can just give us the truth.

After you've come to terms with this first lesson, you must accept that everything I said above is wrong. People get really worked up about things you say. People get offended and pissed off and angry. Especially when it comes to politics. Stick to 'your-mother' jokes and commentary on your daily horoscope's accuracy and you'll be all set.

Okay, now that you know what to write about - how to write it? Well, for starters you don't want to alienate your audience. If your blog is meant just for you - as a sort of journal - then make sure you don't hate yourself. It'll be a bummer of a read if you don't. If you're going for a broader group - which you probably are if you're publishing writing on the WWW - then keep that group in mind. Entertain them. Write clearly enough that they can figure things out. Don't refer to your invisible friend Jo-Jo the catMonkey without explaining to people that you have an invisible catMonkey friend. Don't refer to articles or other blogs without linking. Us reader folk are dumb and we need things layed out in front of us.. plus - more links mean more pretty colors to click on so you'll at least be able to appease the mental patient cross-section of your audience.

To Continue, post pictures. It has been shown through various scientific studies (here, here, and here) that if you post visuals with your writing - whether off topic or not - you will increase your readership (or should we call it viewership). If you happen to be a female I've heard that photos of yourself scantilly clad or perhaps not clad at all tend to increase site hits.. but that's a bore, so try everything else first.

Dialogue! Dialogue is always a winner (e.g. here) on the blogs. Conversations. IM conversations. Phone messages. Whatever. Record them in the blog, because we like to see that stuff. Remember we are reading fairly personal stuff about strangers over the internet - clearly we have no social life - so show us yours! And to follow that up: interviews! Interview other bloggers. Interview yourself and your appliances. Interview your professor or local laundromat attendant. We think interview insignifcant nobodies is funny..

Which brings us to our next point: Be funny. Somehow there are a lot of mopey sad blogs out there that get a lot of hits but I'm not sure I understand why. Laughter is more universal than music. Self-deprecating humour is particularly funny and we like to hear about your failures in life and love because - heck - we're failures too. There is safety in numbers! Comfort in community.

Oh, and don't quote too many song lyrics. We've all read it before.