and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

My damn site tracker is the bane of my existence. It reports to me everyday, all day, about how many people don't visit this site. Then, as if that weren't enough of a blow to the ego, it reports how many people have visited the site through completely random searches for pictures of hockey players and naked mainers among other things. All people who won't ever return. All people who don't matter anyway. As if anyone matters. As if it all had meaning; pomp and circumstance if you will.

The tracker also reports to me all the weird people who visit my site with no reference. Maybe they're blocking referral reporting or maybe they truly did arrive directly to my site... but from Belgium? Japan? The UK? It just seems strange.

Sometimes I envision people - complete strangers whom I build entire lives for.. office workers, artists, performers, and the unemployed. Young, old, middle-aged. Single, married, separated, divorced. Rich, wealthy, poor... I never imagine starving though - and I envision these people sitting at a computer - a laptop, a desktop, a mac, a public library pc - and I imagine them opening up a web browser - explorer, mozilla, firebird, safari - and then I see them type in 22, 28, 29, 33 or so characters in a seemingly inconsequential manner:

h t t p : / / b r i t c o a l . b l o g s p o t . c o m /

And they hit return. Or they hit Go.

And they get this.

D r i v e l .

And as if it matters I record in my mind all of these random IPs and domain names and I recognize them as they come back. Maybe daily. Maybe weekly. Maybe a few times a year (I can say that now because I've been around for a few). Does it matter that I remember? Does it effect - affect - does it make a difference? Do I write differently for it or think overly much about the intended audience?

Sure. Always. No more or less than the next day for the site hits though. It's the people, people, behind the numbers; that's what counts. Ask Jaime. He's struggling with it everyday. The numbers go up the amount of material he feels he can post goes down but it's not the numbers it's the specific people behind the numbers. Friends. Family. Acquaintances..

And so I make promises. I make commitments. I make proclamations. Then I unserendipidiously fall through on them. It's really quite mundane but those random IPs, those strange domains, those strangers that I make up in my mind keep showing up. Maybe they're crazy in my head but in real life they show up - I know this because the tracker doesn't lie (mostly?) and the numbers speak to me speak to me speak to me. These numbers, like trends, like waves, they speak to me, softly, as if a whispering wind through the window as I lie - head back, eyes closed - in a warm bath of scummy water - the water I've sluffed off my dirty back - and I listen.

You can't help but listen to the wind when it has something to say. It always tells such a good story.

Can you blame me?