20040510   

Your Intellectual Type is ASSHOLE

Michael considered fate at 17:05   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

Decisions - or rather looming decisions - abound today. If I read my horoscope today (and they were actually accurate) it would say something like: "You will be a big stressball today in part no thanks to your excessive caffeine intake well past the noon hour but mostly thanks to your impending life decisions which will forever and ever shape who, where, what, and why you are, were, and will be." Okay, maybe not the were part.. I've already made all the beds I've slept in so far. The question is.. THE QUESTION IS.. which bed will I be sleeping in next?

At this point Graduate school is looming large in my forward view and I'm weighing pros, cons, and other such nonsense such that I can make a decision that will no doubt play a gargantuan factor in how my life plays out from here on in. Thing is, I know the right choice. I know which school I should pick. I know the option I should be opting for. I'm just trying to avoid making it.

Why?

I'm just a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me.

No. Really. Puhlease. I need someone to remove me from this ridiculus perch. It's tipsy, high, and the snapping turtles below are hungry.

I am such an asshole it's not even funny. If I could impart a single ounce of wisdom to everyone on earth as my last dying wish it would be: Don't be an asshole like me!

FUCKing hell.

I will be making this life decision soon, I will be traveling away from my current path soon, I will be going somewhere I have not been before soon - figuratively speaking, of course. I will be running amok like a chicken with my head cut off, cursing buearcracy, and sending arrows of seething hatred into my brain - the part of my brain that made the decisions (albeit the correct one) to put me where I will be.

Or fuck, hell if I know, maybe I'll love it. Ain't everyone that gets the chances I get. Ain't every dude that can say they've seen what these a'ramblin' eyes have seen. Ain't every day you can wake up and say:

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

I have an itchy nasty question to ask.. it's about gender and racial equality but I'm not going to ask it because I don't want to deal with finding out I'm wrong..

Okay, fuck it, I'll ask it anyway:

Where are all the black bloggers at?

I know tony claims to be black (half black? all black?) but shit, he claims he is 109 (110?) so I can never tell really. Other than that I'm shooting blanks.

There has gotta be some out there.

Somewhere?

The last thing this internet needs to become is another white suburbia cause I think that would just about be the end of the world for me. I'd ask 'em to stop the ride right there.

Let me get off.

Course maybe half the bloggers I read out there are black and I don't even know it.. which would be the best thing of all. Words be only words and they're all equal when read from anonymous authors with no race, background, religion, or otherwise.. but I guess I'm just nervous that they're all whitebread crackers.

I'm about as whitebread cracker as you can get, and let me tell yah, I've done some mental gnawing away on myself here and there and damnit.. I just don't taste that great.

Variety is the spice of life and if I believe it, trust it, think it, then my life decision isn't a decision at all, is it? It's an answer just waiting to be choosen.

I don't intend double-speak there. I'm just saying that if I believe what I say I believe than the choice is obvious and not really a choice at all.

Pre-determined, in fact?

FUCK

I will not get a cell phone. I will not talk to people in basements of deep dark buildings where my cell phone will get horrific reception and every other utterance out of my mouth is "Huh? [sccczzeerch] Wha[scaaeerp]?". I will not pay $60 for a $35 cell phone plan. I will not will not will not.

Damn, if I leave this place I will leave my free cable tv and my free wireless internet that my neighbours don't know I am stealing. If I leave this place I will leave my friends - (am I a bastard? I was just thinking of saying something that would certainly make me sound like one) - I will leave my home, my apartment of three years - three FUCKING years - the longest I've lived in any place other than the houses of my parents that I grew up in. I will leave the relatively inexpensive rent and the super-duper roommate/bestfriend I just NOW received. I will leave the running path, the ocean, the sailboats, the diners. I will see my fitness program fall on it's face - no doubt it will do that on it's own without any prodding from me but it's a good one to add to the list anyway.

Running in large cities is a bummer, if you ask me. I need some solitude. I need some trees and grass and maybe a brisk chilly evening, dark even, and not a whole lot going on around me. I need my music in my ears without any distractions so I can dive deep into the pool of sound, deep enough that the noise of the world becomes nothing more than a distant and muffled rumble.

I have a wonderful opportunity, given genetics and stature, to become a fat old man. If I put my mind to it and really gave it my all it could happen in a few years, even. I could double up on the packs of cigarettes to get those wrinkle-lines around the eyes and to increase the aging process. I could lay out in the sun every day to the point of almost-burning till my skin was a golden golden brown such that it would start to hang off me like so much.. hanging stuff. I could pack in the smoked meat sandwiches and cheese and avoid every green speck of vegetable and I could get

F A T

If that was my motivation. If that's what I wanted to do. If that was my M.O. But hell I can't even make the decision to go to one school or the other why should I why should I why should I be allowed - who GAVE ME this authority - WHY am I in control of this life, I'm dangerous, I don't make well thought out logical decisions..

You've seen me in the ways of the heart. I'm a schlep. I'm about as illogical as you can get, for a person so logical as myself. I write HORRIFIC poetry to those I lust. I ignore those I love. I convince myself that life, although painted as if it were a neverending journey of choices, is a linear path - travelled, untravelled, who cares - it's one - singular - not something to be choosing here, or there. I'm not talking about ketchup or mustard on your burger here. This is bigger than that. This is L I FUCKING E. This is 80 years - a millisecond - a nanosecond - a billionth of a millionth of a nanosecond in the life of the world, the universe, but holy fucking shit is it ever BIG to me. It's all I know. Even though my life so far, approximately up to this point, has been less than one one-millionth of one percent of the time this earth has existed in this universe (which is to say if the earth existed for a year than I have existed for far less than one second).. even though this is so..

It is HUGE-MONGOUS to me.

Of course.

GI-NORMOUS

From this tiny vantage point up on this cliff with the wind beating at my pretty fucking hard, my toes slipping off the edge, the lightening striking from above as storm clouds twirl, swirl, whirl around above my head.. all I can see - in fact my ENTIRE view - is a mere 25 years. Less than the equivalent of one second of one year. Equivalency aside, perspective my friends is a powerful thing.

Ask George Bush.