20041115   

Michael considered fate at 23:07   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

Okay, so I lied. So I'm posting again. I just can't help it. But, in doing so, it makes me wonder - once again outloud - about the limitations of the classical blog format: reverse chronological order. This post, for example, won't make a lick of sense if you haven't read the one right below it in which I state that I'll be busy and therefore won't be posting much in the next few weeks.

So. You see the conundrum? A simple solution might be to just show the first 10 posts in order.. or the first 5. Whatever. That idea quickly falls apart, though, the second you come to a page you've just read.. having to scroll down to the 'newest' material.

Bummer.

I still think this is a solvable problem, however. I'm keeping my eye out. If I find anything you'll be the first to know.

Anyhow, back to the whole point of this post.. which I'm going to have to obfuscate a bit in order to protect the innocent as well as not make myself sound like such a sap.

During my thought process of the thing I have to consider many alternatives to the reality I believe - otherwise I am done thinking. Thinking, truly, is the process of disbelief. It's an acceptance that there could be another explaination. The idea that your perception is not necessarily the only one, the real one, or even close at all. What I'm trying to say is that thinking - proceeding with disbelief - is really problem solving.

Think about it.

See what I did there? You weren't quite convinced but, given this new phenomenon you had to fit it into your reality so you.. thought about it. Now, maybe you believe me or maybe you don't but all I'm saying is you thought about it which correlates directly to believing you aren't always right.

Am I right?

So thinking - disbelieving - is something I have to do all the time with this thing. I have to do it all the time because I can't do anything else with it - or at least that's what I believe - and, not finding that to be a very amicable to me, I must believe there is another explaination. I must believe that it's not as bad as it seems. I must believe there is a better solution, a happy ending. So the only way to prove it is through experimentation. I'll go to school. I'll try hard. I'll be responsible. I'll... see if I can't be happy. I'll believe that what I am doing could be a decent approach to another reality and I'll test it out by doing it.

So what do I believe? Somedays I believe that anything is possible. Somedays I believe that I can simply imagine it and it will happen. Not in some genie in a bottle sort of way but in a hard-work-and-perspiration sort of way. I'll believe it's already written in stone sometimes, just for the hell of it to see how I react. I don't react well. Then I'll pretend that I ultimately control the outcome, all of it, and that it's just a matter of me taking the reins and charging through the doors to ultimate surreality. I don't really buy that either.

But sometimes I just imagine that if something is meant to be, - a job.. a life.. a friend.. a spouse,, death - , then it's meant to be.. not that it's already written down, but more that the stars have aligned and said it was right, just now, right during the crux of the thing.. and maybe ultimately, if you had all the power of the universe to harness in making gazillions of computations per second you could still not predict those stars aligning at that time due to the sheer enormity of the problem and there isn't anything that can be done about it. Which is not to say that the problem isn't solvable, theoretically. Sort of like the butterfly in china gig.

So maybe our paths, everything - the atoms in our bodies all the way down to the quarks in our shoes - maybe it's all planned out already, in the same way that the water you drank yesterday is fated to the sewers of your city today and then the waterways of your county to the air you breath all the way up up into a cloud and down, once again, as a water drop into the earth and out of your tap and do you think that water has a choice? Do you think two atoms have a choice? Three?

Does a boy with an option between sam's club cola and weight watchers cola really have a choice about his fate in life?

Do any of us?

The answer seems obvious but I'm not saying we shouldn't have the most fun we can riding this rollercoaster of life.. I'm not saying we don't have freedom of thought - we don't, really, if you buy that it's predetermined - I'm just saying that we're sort of stuck to these rails and our coaster car is heading in a certain direction.

So the long and the short of it is that I think I can only imagine two worlds - two possibilities. There could be an infinite many worlds, sure, but they all fall into one or two categoies, classified one way or the other. One, things could not work out the way I'd like to imagine. The other, things could work out exactly as I've dreamed.

Anything that can happen, will happen.

Stranger things have happened.

So what I'm saying is if it's not going to happen, that's it. It's fine, and at that point when I discover that reality, I can't imagine her knowing any other way. She'll say no, and It won't be anything but the truth. Or, alternatively, she will say yes and I won't, then, be able to imagine even the possibility of it not being 100% honest.

I'm talking about ultimate truth here.

So what I'm saying is love makes you blind.

but it also makes you dumb and deaf.

Love has the power to remove from us the only things we've got going for our species - our very ability of thought - our ability to disbelieve. It takes away any thoughts of anything else. It removes even the idea of a doubt. It is, quite frankly, dangerous.

Perhaps this is why it seems to defy our logic yet rein supreme. Maybe this explains the untold love stories of heroic defeat. Maybe this is why Napoleon invaded Russia. Who knows. I'm just saying that logic and thought are once removed when thought is of the love.

But I'm one step closer to seeing the world through the clarity of truth and for that, folks, I thank you for tuning in.