and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

After a nasty four-month decline in hits I finally recorded an up-month this month. I don't know why, but I'm not complaining. I was feeling pretty low there for awhile. See, the problem with art - a lot of the time, but not always - is that it's expressive and because it's expressive you have to question why? And that's because the artist is trying to say something to somebody. Reach out. Cry out. Strike out. Whatever. But the point is that it's often intended for an audience and, well, the artist sometimes gets a little bummed out when the audience walks away.

I've had audiences walk away before and it doesn't feel good at all. I've had huge ginormous months of hits (big for me, anyway) and then teeny-tiny little months. But I keep on plugging because, in my screwed up little head, I'm convinced maybe I can win them back.

I probably can't but I end up with a few more readers from somewhere else in the process and I guess that's not so bad either.

But even the real big ones, the tonys, the antis, they check their hits and what sites are sending people their way.. pretty meticulously sometimes, too. It's just part of the game and I hesitate to call it narcissism or something ugly like that. It might just be that they want an audience. They want to share.

The english language is a pretty expressive one. It allows me to say "They want to share" and "they are narcissistic ugliness" and I'm talking about the same thing. Two different ways of describing the same phenomenon and, well, two very different spins on it. I dunno, you can choose to be someone who doesn't understand blogs or someone who doesn't "get technology" or maybe someone who thinks it's all a bit of ego-stroking.. or you can choose to see it as an interesting trend, a cool experiment, a brave new worldmedia. Whatever.

I guess what I'm saying is don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I just am. I got up one morning and *BAM*. I was beautiful. Now, my whole life, every waking minute of it, is trying to figure it all out.

Trying to figure out how I'm supposed to share this beauty.

With all of you.