and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

Lemme take a few minutes here to quote our reverend, the father of blog TP:

selling out is a big deal to me. it might be impossible to explain but who knows, it might not.

the general idea is to try to remain yourself and not a tool for someone and not a whore for something and not a victim to small-time greed.

simply put, remain yourself no matter what.

for example, when this thing all started nobody conceived of ads on blogs. blogs were simply devices to get chicks to send you dirty pictures. just because you can throw some filthy ad on your blog and make a few extra bucks doesnt mean that you really should.

im sure johnny rotten could get visa to pay him to wear their logo but i would feel differently about him if he did.

keeping it real also means to communicate in an honest way no matter what.

when nobody is paying you, when youre not anyones bitch, you can say anything

And I have to say that this, as much as it seems to be a reoccuring fear for tony, it is also a fear of mine: the low-brow, no-hit wonder mike. Even I - even the mite on the bird on the buffalo - even I fear the sellout. Sure, it would be a sell out of a different matter, writing for certain people who I might know read this thing, writing to change their perceptions of me, to effect my outer self, to change the way people think about me - but it's still a sell out. It wouldn't be me. I question myself every day. I look at life, I smile, I chuckle, I laugh - that's the good part, that I can still do these things day in and day out - and maybe deep down in the core of things I cry a little too. I ask if I'm whoring myself out. I ask if I'm, as tony says, "someone's bitch". It's a fine line to draw in the sand, getting paid. Paid with what? Paid for what? Is activism insincere if someone pays you for it? Is a non-profit false if it is staffed by paid employees? Am I a bitch if I'm getting something out of this blog? Nah, I don't think it's gotta be that complicated. I mean, sure, even tony is getting a little something something in the form of naughty pictures for his work and effort. If that's not a sell out, I dunno what is.. but I don't exactly think that's what he is talking about. It's, as he said, difficult to explain.

Somewhere deep down in it there is you and a bunch of other people. They're you too. It's sort of like a fight club with a bunch of you standing around looking angry at eachother but one of you - the real you - he's in there too, looking angry but feeling awfully damn scared inside. The rest of the crowd, it's all your imaginary friends, really. The crowd is who you want it to be - your worst nightmare. The crowd is everything you think you ought to be. The crowd is everyone that everyone else thinks you should be. The crowd is life's expectations for you projected onto your mind's widescreen.

That crowd might be about money or coolness or some abstract idea of success. The crowd might be about where you want to be, where you wish you could go back to, or who you want to see. The crowd is in there, to give you something to fight against.

I dunno, maybe it's hard to explain, but I think tony is saying that selling out is like switching places with one of these people in your head, in the crowd. It's like walking up to one of these guys and slipping him a twenty, whispering to him if he'd maybe take it to switch places, and walking off into the sunset as someone else. Maybe someone who believes wholeheartedly in the Republican party. Maybe someone who only cares about money. Maybe someone who doesn't really like life anymore.

But it's all a sham. Selling out is giving up on yourself. It's a break. A cut. A slice into the real you. It's not you. It's what will, ultimately, wash you away one day if you're not real careful. All that will be left is an empty shell and a bit of sand.

So maybe I sell out a little from time to time, I guess we all do. It's not something that's black and white, it's got degrees. The trick maybe is to just not stray too far, keep it in the white, out in the sunlight where you can see everything. It gets awfully dark the farther you stray. But I try not to. I try to stay about as real as I can here and I do it by saying what I mean, talking like I care about what I'm talking about, and saying things honestly, up front, clearly, hopefully understandably, and with vigor. Vigor? Well I gotta make it interesting, right? Okay.

WYSIWYG. What you see is what you get. I think that's what tony is talking about. You see a blog with an ad on it.. I dunno, WYS is maybe really WYG. Everything has a force to it, even a blog ad, and once that force takes ahold, it's gonna have an effect. Maybe not a big effect but an effect no matter.

I hope I'm not a tool for someone or a whore to anything and I certainly hope I'm not a victum to small-time greed but I suspect it might all be true regardless, depending on the angle you stare at things. But I like to get up in the morning and believe I ain't anyone's bitch so I can say anything I fucking want to.

Even the truth.

Even if it stings.

Even if it breaks open the earth and swallows us whole.

Even, even,

even if it hurts me.