and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

On occassion I am known to peruse my archives to see if maybe, just maybe, there is a jem in there that I wrote without even realizing it. Honestly, I never expect much.. but every once in awhile I find something that cocks the head, raises the eyebrows, or.. on the down side.. makes me groan. I think that's one power of blogs: it's a mirror of yourself that is more truthful than you are often willing to admit. Just asking oneself questions - taking inventory, as it were - does not always yield the sort of honest truth you're looking for. But a blog.. oh, a blog.. the power of recorded thought. Inescapable recordings of your state at certain moments in your life.. there is worth in that.

It often happens that you are sitting with some old friends - people that have known you longer than you care to remember - and the odd do you remember when we first met conversation comes up. First impressions. This is an important data set to a human, social creatures that we are, and so it's no wonder people become amazingly self-involved during these little discussions.

"So, what did you think of me when you first met me?" is a more burning question than I think most people are willing to admit. It's got a certain power to it: cut and dry, no holds barred, actual impressions. In a world full of first impressions this is information so valuable you could call it a trade secret.

So how does a blog enter into this? Well, given enough time.. and a lazy memory like mine.. well, I can go back and read some archives that I've built up over the last three and a half years (holy, that sounds like a long time) and I can see some stuff that I essentially don't remember ever writing. Sure, when I get into it things start to ring a bell but there is a certain removed quality about it, as if it's just a short story from someone else that I happened upon a long time ago. There is a character to it that allows me to evaluate it as if I don't know this person, michael, that wrote these words so many moons ago. If I'm really not paying any attention I don't even have to go back much more than a week.

So what do I gain from all of this? Well, it's an interesting window into one's self. Back to the mirror thing. You can read it how you want to - and sure, we'll put a spin on things if we want to lie to ourselves - but deep down, real deep down in the cockles of our hearts, we know what we are. Reading these posts just helps that much more.

So here there is, this no holds barred truth, up here on the innnernector for all to see. It's no wonder people used to do this sort of stuff in a diary. I'm just too vain a character to ever write just for myself.. so blogging.. it's given me, essentially, the power of diary when I'm not a "diary guy". A place to record my thoughts in certain moods but with some sense of purpose or at least an idea of a an audience. Whether they give a shit or not.

What's all this about? There is a post from a week or so ago that I've considered, on more than one occassion, taking down. Luckily I remember the words of reverend tony: [paraphrasing] write, print, post, don't think about it. So somehow I think going back and removing a post, for whatever reason, is sort of cheating. To delete a post is to deny that you were ever in that emotional and mental state. It's like trying to rewrite or delete history. Come on.. we know we despise people rewriting history, right? Talk to Howard Zinn.

So better or worse, I maintain this blog, I maintain the posts that appear here in their original text and format, no matter how embarassed I might be. I place this here as a mirror that I might look at - and through the power of the will of the human drive it will be, likely, maintained forever after.. despite my death, my children's death, or my grandchildren's death. These are things we don't often think about as we type out drunken blog posts but things that are nevertheless relevant, real, possible, and actually probable.

Perhaps we should think about these sorts of things, as we'll be dealing with them soon enough as we become old men. It will likely make presidential candidate denial of "inhaling" pale in comparison.