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tell

Michael considered fate at 23:06   |   Permalink   |   Post a Comment

I just can't help it, all this thinking I'm doing. it's just the way of the beast to wonder. at least this beast and so it's no excuse but it's one of the reasons the post count on here is kind of slim lately. I'm doing what I can but believe me, if you had this spaghetti pile of thoughts piled up in your brain you'd have a hard time straightening them all out too. It makes me sick to realize it, like I've eaten too much and I can't move too fast or I might puke, with all this thinking.

Somewhere in it, in that big pile, are some answers. Or at least that's what I tell myself and why I keep going back, over and over, to that pile. All the same thoughts I've thought over again before thinking over them again so I can think over them one more time, later. It's almost paralysis.

So the choice is to believe there are answers or to just close the door to the past and keep on walking forward. I don't know which I'm more privy to. On the one hand, ignoring your past can be useful in developing new and better habits. On the other hand even zombies walk forwards.

So I guess I am paralyzed. Paralyzed between what I could do and what I will do. It's always a fight between the two and never pretty. Some people might call that logic and sensible thinking, letting them fight it out like that, letting the better judgement show it's healthier power, but right now it's inaction. It's being a spectator in my own life.

Unfortunately there are some things in life you can only wait for, no matter what. A promise fails to be that if it has to be solicited. It should be kept of it's own free will and accord, right? Or maybe I just expect too much out of people. It's not so hard to turn out this way growing up being me.. The only person I ever break a promise to is myself.