and she said.. "how you interpret the dream is probably more important than the dream itself"

Slept all day slept all day slept all day yesterday, on SUNDAY, because I could; because, despite the debilitating sloth I'm infected with, I did not really have to do anything, wasn't signed up for any work to do, didn't need money so didn't need to work, and let's face it school is just barely getting started. Paperwork that has been threatening for weeks now had nothing to say on Sunday because it knew there was nothing doing. Bureaucracy's office is c-l-o-s-e-d on this day of rest. Slept all day and read about sailors mucking about on the California coast a few hundred years ago as if it were yesterday, hauling cow hides, reefing sails, getting rained on. It all felt real comfortable from my bed, curled under a big down comforter with the fan blowing cool fresh air in from the window. Real comfortable.

Somehow, I beat myself up on a constant basis about the things I think I should be doing but I know I will never do. Maybe it's all that "potential" rearing it's ugly head or maybe it's everyone else's expectation? I can't really tell. The worst of it is that part of me doesn't care at all that the other part of me cares very very much. It's the part of me that cares, caring about how little the other part cares that hurts the most. Is this what a one-sided relationship is like? Oh, wait. I think I know. I think very much so; it is; unrequited.

So how does that feel, knowing you're not even strong enough to love yourself - or at least, a part of you does not love yourself enough to care that the other part of you is so painfully hurt that you don't care. A catch-22, a nasty circular set of reasoning that is almost, exactly, like a downward spiral. The one part making the other part worse, which makes the first part worse; the snake eating it's own poisonous tail. The real catch is breaking the loop, snapping through the monotony of the everyday hate-hate-hate so that you have two seconds of peace and silence in which to actually think for once and .. and .. and if you're super quick, spritely, and on your toes you can spring into action so fast that both parts of you have no idea how it happened. The two parts are sprung from their easy chairs so fast the tears dry straight on the cheek and then for some time, however short or long, there is this period of success, movement, action, interest. There are two parts coming together as one.

The problem lies in convincing the first part or at least catching it when it isn't paying attention. Everything sleeps.. but it's rare and unexpected. No time to lose. If this is the only solution then you're doomed to a life of self-doubt and unconvinced esteem issues, always trying to get over the hump. It's that second part you that you really need to concentrate on - that's where the emotion lies. It's the part that cares, gets hurt, gets upset at the things you refuse to do, refuse to try. If you can believe that this is the stronger part, convince yourself of who is in control, then it can be trivial to own your life the way you want to, force that sloth-ridden piece of you to the far deep reaches of your nasty underside (for you can never fully banish it). And if you're successful in the end then what you have really found is the real you, the you of ultimate power.. which is once again in love, unrequited.